The past few weeks have been a time of some serious soul-searching for me. I'm almost halfway done with my undergrad, working on getting a degree that will hopefully lead me into the field I would like to pursue my whole life. I'm studying stuff that's interesting to me, and that I love learning about.
In spite of that, I feel empty. My academics aren't bad, but I'm not focused or diligent or excited when it comes to any of the things I'm working on. My relationship with God is not at all in a healthy place. I am consumed by the cruel lie that so easily dominates so many of our lives: the lie that others' opinions define me.
In a cruel twist, though, I very rarely consciously care about the opinions of the people around me. I think that I'm okay and secure in who I am, but I have gradually come to the realization that my motivations for most of what I do and who I am are based entirely around a desire to shape others' perceptions of who I am.
I thus find that I'm not actually certain what I want out of life. I care so much about how people view me that I have trouble knowing who I really want to be. I want people to think I'm smart, spiritual, philosophical, deep, funny, outgoing, reliable, friendly, or any number of other adjectives. I look at the people around me, see personality traits they have that I admire, and attempt to gain them for myself. The problem is that rather than focus on developing them in myself, I have a tendency to work to develop the appearance of having them. I think about how a nice guy would act or how he would talk, and then I work to behave that way.
The result is that the time I spend with people, I spend playing an elaborate part that I have developed in order to gain their approval. My identity is defined by appearing to be a certain way, rather than actually being that way. And this leaves me lonely, tired, unmotivated, angry at the world, and angry at myself. I know that I'm not supposed to be living for other people, and so the life I've been living doesn't feel like life at all.
Who am I? To be perfectly honest, I don't really know. I know I'm not the person I've been spending my energy pretending to be, but that doesn't really mean much; knowing who I'm not doesn't go that far towards helping me to know I am.
I wish I could conclude this post with a point. But there isn't a point to it--it really is an inconsequential thought, one born of desperation and frustration and sadness. It's a thought more for me than for anyone else, and so it's not a particularly motivational one. I feel like I've lost myself. No, it's more that I feel like I never found myself in the first place.
1 comment:
I understand your struggle, but I would encourage you that you are who you are, precisely because of how you have chosen to behave, and will continue to choose to behave. A man is, purely and simply, a ransomed child of God. That’s your identity. He clarifies that identity as your walk with Him in daily faithfulness. With His help, you crucify the flesh as it rears its ugly head. And with His help, you make godly choices that will help define who you are. A man is really the sum of the thousands of choices he makes as he moves throughout his life. It needn’t be exhausting, unless your standard is what you think others want you to be instead of what you think He wants you to be. “(His) yoke is easy and (His) burden is light”! I love you, my son. Walk in freedom!
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